After years of being single, and a bad batch of dates, 9 months ago, I decided to adopt a new attitude towards dating. It’s called the “Zero Fucks” approach. I know it sounds bad, but here’s why it’s been working for me!
First off, a little back story…..
As a young woman who only has a year of self-employment under my belt, my free time isn’t something I take for granted. I have VERY little of it and I have no time to mess around when it comes to deciding how I spend it. In the past I’ve been careless, throwing away hours of my life drinking, spending money I didn’t have and surrounding myself with people who didn’t bring any actual value to my life - that’s all changed. With a renewed drive to “live with purpose” my drinking has become minimal, I took inventory of my closet in an attempt not to shop for 6 whole months (Lord help me on this one) and I’ve slowly started to cleanse my life of any person with a negative effect on me.
This includes all the fuck boys I’ve attracted that have helped me adopt this new view towards dating......
For those of you who don’t know what a fuck boy is, you can thank Urban Dictionary for the most accurate definition I could find.
“An asshole boy who is into strictly sexual relationships. He will lead a girl on and let her down, then apologize only to ask for "pics" once the girl has welcomed him back into her trust. Boys like this will pretend to genuinely care about the girl but always fail to prove the supposed affection. He will almost never make plans because he has to hangout on his terms- which could be the most whimsical of times. If the girl rejects those plans because she has a legitimate reason for not being able to hang out, he will get pissed.
Good luck standing up to this asshole, he will most likely deny everything and turn it all around on the girl making it seem as though the conflict at stake is her fault and he has done nothing wrong and hates when girls bitch at him for "no reason." He will always come crawling back because he is a horny prick and can not withstand the dispossession of one of his baes. Bae’s being plural, because he most definitely has more than one.
Texting such a boy will consist of the girl carrying the conversation and the guy responding with short answers 10 or more minutes after the girl's response, but when she asks why he takes so long to answer it will be because he is "busy" but he promises he likes her. Boys like this are egotistical assholes who can not be trusted and are hard to get rid of because they say all the right things to get the girl back.”
Now that we’re all on the same page in terms of my back story, I’m going to give you insight on the three main fuck boys who taught me how not to catch feelings and in turn adopt the “Zero Fucks” approach. Grab your popcorn and let story time commence….
FUCK BOY #1: I hadn’t dated in two years, but while scrolling through Tinder, I came across someone who finally caught my eye. He seemed funny, accomplished and cultured - what could go wrong, right? Oh, was I naive.
Our date was scheduled for 8:30 and for someone who's always late, I had no intention of being there a second before at least 8:35. At 8:00, I received a text from *Mr. Successful saying he was already at the restaurant sitting at the bar waiting for me. I frantically started scrolling through our conversation praying I hadn't screwed up the time. Then, there is was "Let's meet at 8:30" - PHEW! Strike 1
When I arrived, I was taken back by how good looking he was in person. His Spanish accent didn't hurt either, but right before we were seated I noticed two beers sitting at the bar that he must have finished before my arrival. Not being a big drinker myself, I was a little taken back, but chalked it up to nerves for a first date.
Throughout dinner, he proceeded to tell me ALL about himself - leaving NO detail untouched. Within that extensive story time, he got up from the table three times to check his phone, ordered 4 more drinks and managed to spill an entire glass of water on me. Strike 2, 3,4,5,6,7.........
After dinner, he asked if I wanted to join him for another drink. In fear he would fall over, I declined and insisted on going home. Once outside the restaurant, no one could have ever prepared me what was next. He yelled at me. Yes, I'm talking full on yelling with arms flailing. He said he regretted taking me out to an expensive fancy dinner if I wasn't even going to go home with him. Once I gave him no reaction, he got even madder and started to WALK home - he lived 45 minutes away.
It took Mr. Successful 3 days to text me after that. Since I never responded we never spoke again. It may not have been the best date to have under my belt after 2 years of swearing off men, but it sure should have been my warning sign of what dating had become.
FUCK BOY #2: Still a bit shocked from my date with Mr. Successful, I decided to give good ol' Tinder another chance. Little did I know the popular dating app was about to introduce me to the man who embodies the very definition of Fuck Boy. *Pretty's story began a bit rocky (which should have been a sign) and after taking almost a month to schedule an actual date, it would be fitting that the week of our date, I was hit with strep throat.
I had canceled on Pretty twice and couldn’t cancel a THIRD time. I agreed to a time and place even though I knew it wasn't my best idea. When he picked me up, I took one look at his panty dropping smile and suddenly felt a lot better. Our date went as well as any first meeting could and I left kicking myself for not agreeing to meet him A LOT sooner! We had so much in common, he traveled the world, had a great job, and was had a great sense of humor - score! In other words, he was perfect on paper.
In our first month of dating, I was in a haze. How could I have gotten so lucky to find someone so perfect for me? But, by month three, the red flags started flying. His travel schedule started to pick up and while I knew we were about to go three weeks without seeing each other, I was prepared for the Face Time calls and multiple text messages we'd be having throughout the week. Funny enough, I seemed to be the only one who had that thought. I was leading every conversation, and even when I called or texted him, it would be days before I received a response. Just like that, my worst nightmare had come to fruition. I was that girl coming off as needy and insecure. Mortified, I checked myself and backed off until he got back which lead to 3-5 days in-between text messages and no phone calls.
This ultimately lead to our first fight of many about communication. After the fight, I tested his communication skills and promised myself that at least once I would wait until he reached out first. This lead to no communication for an entire week and him missing my birthday party. When I called him out on his behavior, he (in true Fuck Boy fashion) told me that I was the one overreacting and if I wanted to talk to him sooner, I should have just contacted him. I feel into the trap and ended up apologizing.
In the coming months, our relationship was filled with canceled plans, surprise trips out of town (on his part), and late night text messages asking me to "come cuddle" only at 10:30 at night. It became apparent that he had no respect for who I was, nor did he understand that even though I worked for myself I couldn't just drop all my plans to come hang out with him. It was time for another talk, and this time it wasn't going to go his way. I came in all guns blazing.....
I called him out on all his bullshit. The horrible communication, the late night calls and texts, the secrets, the constant expectation that I would drop plans for him, everything. What happened next, I will never forget. He again tried to turn the whole situation on me calling me "immature, flaky, and uninvested in the relationship." He told me he didn't know who this "crazy girl" was and that if he knew I could be this mean he would have never started hanging out with me. As the conversation progressed from there, I found out that even though we had agreed to be exclusive, he still didn't think of us as in a serious relationship. After managing to waste my time for 7 months, he thought we were just going with the flow.
*While we haven't seen each other since June, he recently admitted to dating and sleeping with multitudes of other women while we were together, and still reaches out at least once a month to hit me with that "You up" text. You think he would have learned by now that I will never respond but once a Fuck Boy, always a Fuck Boy......
Writing this, I realize how silly I sound for not knowing what a huge asshole Pretty was from the get go, but in my defense, after never having been a "relationship person" I had the desire for something to work out so bad that I was willing to over look certain short comings. He hurt me, but I'm thankful I had the experience to show me how a relationship shouldn't be. It also taught me these valuable lessons;
- No matter how great someone is on paper, that doesn't mean they'll be right for you in person
- Call out red flags as soon as they happen
- Communication is EVERYTHING in a relationship (no matter how casual or serious)
- If someone makes you feel any less than amazing about yourself - leave
- Actions speak louder than words
- A relationship will have it's trials, but it shouldn't be a struggle from the very beginning. If there is no "honeymoon" phase there's something wrong
Now, I may not know a whole lot about dating, nor have I ever been one of those hopeless romantics so this may be easier for me, but after these two (and a few other scattered in between), I've learned to go with the flow. After all, dating is supposed to be fun! It's about meeting new people and enjoying new experiences. NOT going in thinking you're going to marry the person! That brings us full circle with the "Zero Fucks" approach on dating. Go in being your true authentic self and expect nothing from the other person. That way, if it doesn't work out, you won't walk away with a broken heart but instead a lesson learned. If the relationship does work out, then you'll be able to ease into things while keeping it carefree and fun - it's a win win as far as I'm concerned!
Though this approach has worked for me so far, and I've met some incredible guys, that doesn't mean it's right for everyone- I understand that. At the end of the day, no matter what you do, as long as you're being your most authentic self and having fun, who cares what the hell you do with your dating life - go get it!
*The men (correction – BOYS) and situations I described are real, but obviously no real names were used. Not to protect them, but I just started Honestly Unfiltered and I don’t feel like being sued for slander ;)